Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Cancer reacting to Cancer

Today, October 1st, starts the rebirth of Miss E. You see, friends, I've been hunkered down, hiding in my shell. I'm the prototypical Cancerian crab, if you will. Crabs live in the inter-tidal zone of the oceans, where tides rise and fall twice every day. This is the most dynamic and changeful place on earth, but also the most nutrient rich. Because of the constant change, Cancer have developed a hard outer shell for protection. Cancer can use the hard outer shell of your home as your protection. But it's more than just that. Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls. Crabs also have large pinching claws, and Cancer can hold onto things, especially from the past. Cancer are fiercely loyal and have a difficult time letting go. But Cancer are also quick to bring those you love inside the safety of your outer shell while you nurture them. Cancer love is protective, but unless tempered, can be smothering. Cancer motto could be, "A good defense is the best offense." Like a Crab in its cave, your attack can consist of baiting your opponent into your territory. What appears to be a retreat to others can be your best aggressive tactic. As you feel your way through life, building your security by developing your home and family relationships, remember that unexpressed anger can turn into resentment and depression, so find someone you can trust and share your feelings. Since we're on the topic, let's break it down, shall we? Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls. I've felt overwhelmed lately. Since Sara Cate's diagnosis of Hodgkins Lymphoma, I've just been down. Down that a 25-year old otherwise healthy young woman could be affected as she has been. Down for how this diagnosis is rippling out to all of those I love. Down that I'm watching this unfold and feeling completely helpless. But Cancer are also quick to bring those you love inside the safety of your outer shell while you nurture them. I cannot shelter everyone that I love right now - it's just not possible. I wish I could shelter Sara from the cancer, my baby brother {note: ok, not really a baby at 24-years old, but to me he will always be my baby brother} from the stress of being a 3rd year medical student in rotations and barely having enough time to sleep in a day let alone care for her, my parents who have opened their home to help care for both Sara and my brother during this time. I can't even shelter myself from this and I've come to realize - as I've had to at times before in my life - that I have to just let go and trust in God that everything will play out as it is intended. ...find someone you can trust and share your feelings. I've reacted to this tough time as I usually do: I retreat into my shell and shun the outside world. I've been a bad friend - sorry to those who I have yet to call back and email, you know who you are - I don't mean to be silent, I'm just trying to get myself back on track, regain control of my life. I want to be the happy, strong, confident woman who I've buried inside me. I deserve that, my loved ones deserve that. So today marks a new day. I'm taking care of myself and tackling the things I can control in my life. The rest? I'll leave it to God. Because I can't control everything around me all the time. I can only be the best person I can be each day. So no more sulking, no more retreating, no more silence. I'm telling you all this not because I'm looking for sympathy or kind words. I'm saying this because you are my "someones" with whom I can trust and share my feelings. You are the ones who listen (read) me at my best, worst, silliest, wittiest, saddest. You are the ones who have sent me emails and comments asking where I've been, how I'm doing. You are the ones who are a safe place for me, who make me want to come out of my shell. For this, I'm grateful to you all. So, friends, I'm back. Out of my shell and enjoying the sunshine. It's nice out here. xoxo

12 comments:

Suz said...

Welcome back friend - glad to have you back. I so hope everything works out for you and and your family.

DeDe said...

Glad to hear you are back.. I was beginning to think you fell off my reader! I continue to pray for Sara and her friends and family daily. Thank you for sharing her story and opening up your heart to us!

MissBliss said...

awwwe, I've been away too...

glad to see your post.

you know what, my best friend and roommate from college was diagnosed with breast cancer during her last year of med school.

She battled it for over a year, and went through 12 months of chemo.

she insisted on graduating with her med school class, and did her med school duties, going in and treating patients who could see by her hair loss that she knew all about how much chemo sucked.

I am thinking of you and your family and Sarah Cate.

My friend beat it. She came through the other side.

Sending love and hugs!

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

I also have wondered where you were!!! Thinking of ya!

Saskia said...

I've been missing you friend. I'm thinking of you and your family - keep strong and keep happy - you're right YOU deserve that and your family too. Take joy in all the little things and laugh as much as possible.

I'm praying for Sara.

Saskia x

short southern momma said...

Glad you back sweetie! I think Sara Cate is about the bravest person I have ever "met". Sending your whole family a warm wishes and a great big hug!

Sara said...

Welcome back, I've missed your posts. I have been truly touched by Sara Cate's journey so far. I keep her in my prayers and the rest of your family as well.

E said...

nice to see you again, miss E! i know this time is rough, and i admire you for hanging in there as best you can. i'm thinking of you and all you're dealing with- and sending good thoughts/prayers your way.

Sara said...

I left you something on my blog. Here's the link. http://www.thisbeautifulthing.com/2009/10/kreativ-blogger-award.html

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

i need to get out and enjoy the sunshine too!

Legallyblondemel said...

Again, I'm so sorry about all of this. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

I can relate to retreating during trying times - I do (and am doing) it too. It's just how some of us cope, and our true friends understand that.

TUWABVB said...

I know I'm late in commenting, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I do the exact same thing when I'm upset - and I'm not even a cancer - I was raised by a cancer, so maybe that's where I got my retreating tendencies. Take care of yourself!